High Wire

I woke up today with a knot in my stomach. I had an overwhelming since of dread. I hadn't felt this bad since my husband left for Iraq a few years ago ( he is back and safe.) I can't even begin to tell you how often I have had these balls of nerves creep up on me. I lived with them day in and day out when I was married to an alcoholic. Growing up in my house was also very high anxiety. So I trudged through my morning trying not to vomit. I had a chance between classes to read a little in my One Day At A Time book. It was about the slogan Let Go and Let God. I remember the first time I really put this slogan to use. I was in the middle of a divorce and living in someone's garage. Every moment that would happen next was a mystery. I had quite the bundle of nerves then but somehow I managed through it and even with some grace and dignity. I should stop here and say, I did not actually manage through it. I turned it over to God and then held on for dear life. Reflecting on those times helped me to gather my courage today and confront my anxiety. I repeated the slogan, Let Go and Let God and then like a high wire act I just put one foot in front of the other. Everything turned out to be fine and the reason for my anxiety disintegrated before my eyes. This program never fails me. Not once.

AH-HA

Wow! What an amazing day! This morning I decided to get up and do a little house cleaning. I had no idea God was going to do some cleaning of his own. I chose to listen to some recovery mp3's instead of my usual jams. I have been listening to the Joe and Charlie tapes for about a week now. Today, appropriately, they were on step 4. My favorite step. This is where the veil is lifted and I can finally feel the sunlight of the spirit shining through. As I wrote in an earlier blog I had been struggling with one resentment for almost 2 years now. Have I told a sponsor? NO. Have I talked to someone in the program? NO. I thought that I had it figured out. I thought I was so experienced that I didn't need to talk to anyone. But my ego had lied. ( Go figure). It told me that I figured out my part in the resentment. It was my expectations. If I had only released my expectations then this pain would not have happened. I believed that, but I didn't feel it. For some reason that didn't lift the burden from my heart the way realizing my part had in the past. There was a point in the recording where Joe or Charlie ( I forget) says you MUST have had a part in this resentment. You MUST have had a part in why this person acted the way they did. At least that is how I interpreted it! And this voice in my head whispered, what did I do to make my relationship with this person such that they would respond to me the way they did. AH HA! I knew instantly what my part in it was. God had tried to tell me earlier but I wasn't ready to listen. From the beginning of my relationship with this person I had built walls of sarcasm, criticism, and cynicism. This person had no other way of relating to me other than what I had taught them. A little joke about me at my wedding must have seemed apropos considering the chiding and bullying I had shaped our relationship with. I did this to myself. For the rest of the day I was able to see my part in so many things. The Sunlight of the Spirit was able to shine through when I finally burst my resentment cloud.

Life on Life's terms.

Well, leave it to God to present me with a situation to bring me closer to my sponsor. I got a call this morning that someone in my family has cancer, again. This issue is very close to my heart. It's not that I am terribly close to this person, although I do love them very much, but I was surprised at how many issues it brought up about my childhood and my father. My father died of cancer 6 years ago. He was not my qualifier for the program, but he sure prepared and shaped me into the perfect Al-Anon. If he hadn't been for the way my Dad treated me and my family, I am pretty sure the alcoholic that I married would have had no interest in me! Let me make clear, this post is not about Dad bashing or whining about the way I grew up and how unfair life is but rather it is a post about awareness. Awareness of emotions and how deeply rooted they are.

When I received this phone call my first feeling was... Guilt. Yes. Guilt. Guilt for not being a good enough relative to this person. I never call or write. I haven't visited in over 5 years. The first time they had cancer I believe I bought a card for them once but I don't believe I ever sent it. GUILT, SHAME ,GUILT , SHAME...

So where does all of this guilt and shame come from? Why do I always feel like no matter what I do it isn't enough. It dawned on me, my Dad.

When my Dad was dying I did visit with him every week, but I refused to believe he was dying. At any sign of the subject I quickly assured him that he was going to make it and then refused to talk about it. How scary it must have been for him. I feel like I missed an opportunity , probably the only one I ever got , to connect to him.
GUILT, SHAME, GUILT, SHAME.

But wait! It goes back further. Why do I always feel like I am letting people down and hurting them although it would be unintentional?

Now I am 8 and my Dad is lecturing me on how I am not a good friend to my friends because of one reason or another. Now I am 12 and I am told that I have no compassion and I think I am holier than thou. Now I am 16 and I am told that I am not worthy enough to be his daughter. 18 I didn't do enough for my grandfather before he died, I am heartless a bitch just like my mother.

Hmmm. Where are all these emotions coming from? To reiterate, I do not blame my father for his skewed perceptions and less than perfect parenting. I know now that he was sick. Mentally ill. Bipolar. He had about as much control over his thoughts and feelings as the alcoholic had over his drinking. None.

But it did leave me with these scars. And now I can't stop crying. The voice in my head says I should be ashamed of myself for not calling, writing. I am not a loving person. I am a fake. I have no heart.

There is fear mixed in as well. Will I be so immobilized by Guilt and Shame that I miss my chance to reconnect to my relative therefore leading to a self fulfilling prophecy that I really am selfish and heartless? This would lead me to more Guilt and Shame which leads to more immobilization and so on an so forth.

So call her. This is the rational side of my brain speaking. But for some reason there is a blockage between my brain and my fingers. There is a lump in my throat at just the thought of it. Fear.

I am afraid to be kind, caring, and compassionate. At least to those closest to me. It's easy with newcomers, but relatives?

Perhaps, I feel by calling I am accepting that this is going on. I would no longer be able to push it to the back of my mind. ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE! Life on life's terms. As my first sponsor would say , Fear = Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover.

At this point I will recover. I just don't know when.

Sponsorship and fear

So this month's article in The Forum ( Al-Anon's monthly magazine) was on sponsorship. It spoke about how the writer felt that they had been superficial with all of their other sponsors until the current one. I identified with this but with a twist. I felt close to all of my other sponsors except the one I have now. I have just begun a new sponsor relationship and so far it has taken a lot out of me to just call and check in. I don't know if I just need more structure ( like being forced to call everyday for thirty days, like I did the first time) or if I need more self discipline ( duh) or if I need more motivation. Like some real drama or crisis to kick me into recovery mode! The old me would have had no trouble getting that started! Why is it that we become closer to some people and not others. Does crisis and despair bond people together? No wonder I created so much drama in my life. It was the only way I could feel close to someone. I am sure I just haven't given this new relationship enough time to blossom but what is it about me that makes it so hard to open up unless I absolutely can't keep it in anymore? Does everyone do that? Spiritually I am sick. I miss having someone to confide in other than my Hubby. I miss having someone to seek spiritual advise. But then again maybe it boils down to fear. On some level, I fear getting close to another person. Ok. On a lot of levels. I suppose I am afraid she will judge me. GRRR! I wish I had a sponsor to talk to this about!- oh wait... I do.

Losing everything, Gaining More.

Today we put up new wooden blinds in our fairly new house. It is finally starting to feel like a home. Like a big ol grown up home. I stood in the middle of the den and smiled. I thought about how blessed I was to have be given such a wonderful home with such a wonderful family. Before recovery I would have stood in the middle of the den and thought about I hard I had worked to achieve all of this and how because of my hard work I was entitled to some luxuries. But thankfully for the Grace of my Higher Power I can be thankful and detached... Yes. detached. When I began my journey in recovery I had to lose everything.. and I mean EVERYTHING. My husband, my furniture, my apartment in Point Loma, my car, my pets, and most importantly.. my pride. I ended up living in my friends garage. She was so kind to me. She had an extra bed and she let me use her laundry room and shower. I didn't have any money so I tried to help by doing the dishes. I don't think I can ever repay her. She gave me the foundation of my program and it was with her that I learned that everything I hold dear can be gone in a matter of an instant. So today when I look at all that has been given to me I can look at as just that . A Gift. A gift that is for this moment only and can be temporary. I know now that even if I lose everything, I will always be ok because my higher power has provided for me at every turn. If I have clothes to wear, food to eat, shelter and shower then none of this other crap really matters. They are just icing on the cake. But I must say... I DO love icing!

A legend in my own mind, lonely in my heart

When I was younger, I always thought that before I died I wanted stories to tell. Tales of excitement and spontaneity. When I came of age I dove into this idea with reckless abandon. I was attracted to people whose stories grew as they told them. Stories filled with drama, lust,and a dash of irrational behavior, sometimes more. Stories that ended in laughter and/or tears. I was drawn to these people like they were the blinking lights on the Las Vegas boulevard. I wanted to live their lives and soon I was. I always thought that it was important to have a story to tell but looking back the only thing I truly remember feeling was alone despite the people I surrounded myself with. Lord, I ask that you pull me back when I put on my rose colored glasses and look back. When I reinvent what happened and imagine myself as a legend. Help me to not glorify the past but let me see the consequences. Keep me in the here and now, where there is no drama but only the peace that is your love. Your legend is the only one I need today.

Gloom or Bloom

Today is a cold gloomy day in Texas. The type of day that I take pleasure in occasionally. The light sound of rain and the soft light peeking through the clouds provides me with a certain kind of solace. In my days before Al-Anon I would pray for days like these. Not because they were relaxing but because it allowed me to be gloomy. I thrived off gloomy. I have been on and off medication for clinical depression since I was 15. When I was on medication it was usually to recover from the periods of "off" of which I had refused to take my medication. I thought about starting a whole other blog today just about my struggle with depression but it dawned on me that that would offer me nothing but a chance to dwell on the things that made me unhappy. Although, blogging about depression on a regular basis does help some, for me it wouldn't help at all. I had identified myself as depressed. That was a personality trait that I possessed. In Al Anon, through some good sponsorship and step 4, I realized that I was not a depressed person but rather I had a disease called depression. Today I can say that most days are pretty good. I have periods of the year that seem to be more melancholy than others but today I don't have to drown in my emotions. I have a life raft that my higher power has provided for me, it's called the 12 steps. I used to be an emotional binger and days like today would have provided a perfect opportunity for me to turn on some sad music and dwell on all the things I should have done differently. Today I thank God for the rose colored glasses that have allowed me to enjoy today for it's peacefulness rather than it's gloom.

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Listen and Learn

Although it is not Conference Approved Literature, I find much comfort of the words in the AA big book page 133. It speaks to us that God does not want us to be sad, rather he wants us to be "happy, joyous, free." It reads that misery is of our own doing and that we can use our unfortunate circumstances as an opportunity to show God's presence in our lives. I woke up with these words ringing in my ears this morning. No doubt it is the comforting words of my higher power in response to my pity party last night. I had my feelings hurt by someone I love and for once I didn't voice it. There was a thought in the back of my head that said,"keep your mouth shut." I envisioned a hand over my mouth and I went and took a long bath. During the bath my ego began to speak. It was explaining to me about how healthy it was to voice my needs and desires. It was telling me that when I got out of the bath I needed to go to the person and explain how they hurt my feelings and what they could do to fix it next time. Alas, there was still a voice in the back of my head, albeit a quiet one, that said, "shhhhh." I decided to listen to the quiet voice and went to bed. While I was sleeping I remembered the Just For Today bookmark that talks about how when you have your feelings hurt it is a good idea not to voice it. Then I woke up and decided to be happy joyous and free. Even if I had to fake it. In hindsight I am grateful that I didn't follow my ego's suggestion. Doing so was not of just motives. I wanted to get my way, make someone feel bad for hurting my feelings and make myself into a victim. Of which I am not. I am learning how to parent myself and to forget everything I learned in all of those self help books that I read before the program. They did nothing but perpetuate the cycle of being a self righteous victim. Today I have a higher power that speaks to me in a loving, gentle and quiet voice. Today I will listen and learn.

Grieving Who We Used To Be

Last nights Al-Anon meeting was about grieving the loss of our childhood. For those of us who grew up in dysfunction we might not have ever realized that it is okay to grieve this loss. Or some of us may not have realized we even lost anything. That was just the way it was. By the time I had married my qualifier I had all ready made peace with my family regarding my childhood. I thought that was a sure sign that I had a good head on my shoulders. Once I began the downward spiral into the disease of alcoholism I began to lose myself. There was one day in particular that I looked in the mirror and literally didn't recognize myself. When I started out in the Al-Anon program I spent a great part of it wishing to be like I was, before the alcoholic. I thought I had it figured out and that this marriage was just a misstep. If I could just get to where I was then I would never fall for this disease again!! But the further I went on my 12 step journey the more I learned that I was going to have to grieve my loss of "who I was." I was never going to be the same. Any kind of catastrophic event will make a psychic change in you and trying to erase that seemed futile to me. The only way out was up. So I had to leave behind this perception of who I was and embark on a journey that would slowly but surely show me the person that I had always wanted to be.

I think I burned the kettle.

I went to a meeting last week that has stuck with me. Maybe it's something that I should share with my sponsor. Maybe that's part of the problem. As I mentioned before there have been some resentments that I have been pussyfooting around. I thought that I was just putting it on the back burner, letting it simmer until it's just right. But it turns out I was just trying to control my growth in this program. When God has presented me with opportunities to make amends, I ran. I hid behind the fact that I technically hadn't done another fourth step yet so therefore I would not be qualified to make an amends. God has only asked me to own what is mine. I don't have to start all over to know I was wrong and I don't need to know to what extent in order to make amends. I just can't figure out what I am so afraid of? My first sponsor said that fear was either afraid of losing what you have or not getting what you want. I wish I could ask her if there was also a 'C' option- Afraid of getting what you want. If I worked up the courage to ask this then we wouldn't need to have this conversation. The meeting itself was on steps 8 and 9. It is amazing how when you become willing in step 8 to make amends then God does the rest of the work by putting people in your life. I just have to remember to allow God to take over the cooking. His timing is always right.

I got a splinter at my wedding.

How long can this splinter stay in my side? Ignoring it, hoping it will work itself out. But nevertheless it always comes back up and it never works itself out. About a year ago, maybe more, I developed some resentments over an event. I tried to get rid of it in an easier softer way. I prayed for them, and that really helped. For a little while. See, I didn't do a fourth step. I didn't really call my sponsor about it. Lo and behold, it came back. I have recently had disturbing dreams and my mind keeps obsessing over the justification of holding on to such resentments. My blood pressure raises when the person in question walks in the room or is mentioned. I thought I could just fake it and act like I had let it go, but in truth I am waiting for an apology. One that will never come. This disease never ceases to amaze me. I am baffled about how 2 small resentments have managed to bring about my symptoms of insanity. Dragging my feet, I have mentioned the situations to my sponsor and we are slowly working through the steps again. But for the first time in my recovery, I feel like I am dancing around a fourth step. I keep trying to jump steps and I am convinced that I don't really have much of a part in my resentments. (HA). Expectations. As someone's sponsor said , " Expectations are premeditated resentments."  Aren't there ANY exceptions? We are constantly reinforced for having expectations for certain events and even certain people. We are taught by society that we should expect more. MORE, MORE, MORE. We are told that there are certain days that we are "special." Days like weddings, bah mitzvahs , bat mitzvahs, birthdays etc...This has caused nothing but trouble for me, and the only people who seem to agree with me is my brothers and sisters in Al Anon.  I had expected people to be polite and flattering to me because this day was about "me." I had expected people to hold up their end of a commitment. I had expected that just for one day I could let my ego run amuck. Nope. I have to accept that there will never be a day in my spiritual life where it is okay to let my ego take over. Turns out there is no such thing as "Ego-Day." No one owes me anything. Not even on my wedding day.  Now that I can see my insanity, I am willing to give it to God. And with His help I am willing to face my ego in my fourth step.

Training Wheels

Every once in awhile I am reminded that I still have my training wheels on. Before recovery I thought everyone was entitled to my opinion. I also thought I was extremely funny with my cutting sarcasm and cynical attitude. After step 4 I realized these once thought attributes were shed in a new light. They were driving the people I loved away and keeping me from being able to form intimate relationships. Over the next few years I turned these defects of character over to God again and again. For the most part it has subsided but God hasn't taken off my training wheels yet. The other day I read a blog by a friend that mentioned a story. It was a story that I am pretty sure I had a part in. In this story the said person ( I believe to be me) said something in jest that when read turns out to be very insensitive. I realized that sometimes I get over confident about my recovery and things fly out of my mouth that should have been preceded by the slogan,"Think, Think,Think" or "is it kind, necessary, and true." In my mind I can hear the scraping of training wheels on concrete. After I was stripped of my ego in step 4 I felt naked going out into the world, especially in social situations. I felt and still feel on occasion the awkwardness that I felt as a child. Not knowing what to say or how to comfort someone, I often relied on jokes, sarcasm, and criticism. These situations are becoming easier but there are times that I fall back on old survival mechanisms. I am grateful to have come across her blog as a reminder that I am not cured and a daily reprieve would benefit me in this situations. It reminds me that today I can live my life as progress not perfection.