Listen and Learn

Although it is not Conference Approved Literature, I find much comfort of the words in the AA big book page 133. It speaks to us that God does not want us to be sad, rather he wants us to be "happy, joyous, free." It reads that misery is of our own doing and that we can use our unfortunate circumstances as an opportunity to show God's presence in our lives. I woke up with these words ringing in my ears this morning. No doubt it is the comforting words of my higher power in response to my pity party last night. I had my feelings hurt by someone I love and for once I didn't voice it. There was a thought in the back of my head that said,"keep your mouth shut." I envisioned a hand over my mouth and I went and took a long bath. During the bath my ego began to speak. It was explaining to me about how healthy it was to voice my needs and desires. It was telling me that when I got out of the bath I needed to go to the person and explain how they hurt my feelings and what they could do to fix it next time. Alas, there was still a voice in the back of my head, albeit a quiet one, that said, "shhhhh." I decided to listen to the quiet voice and went to bed. While I was sleeping I remembered the Just For Today bookmark that talks about how when you have your feelings hurt it is a good idea not to voice it. Then I woke up and decided to be happy joyous and free. Even if I had to fake it. In hindsight I am grateful that I didn't follow my ego's suggestion. Doing so was not of just motives. I wanted to get my way, make someone feel bad for hurting my feelings and make myself into a victim. Of which I am not. I am learning how to parent myself and to forget everything I learned in all of those self help books that I read before the program. They did nothing but perpetuate the cycle of being a self righteous victim. Today I have a higher power that speaks to me in a loving, gentle and quiet voice. Today I will listen and learn.