I got a splinter at my wedding.

How long can this splinter stay in my side? Ignoring it, hoping it will work itself out. But nevertheless it always comes back up and it never works itself out. About a year ago, maybe more, I developed some resentments over an event. I tried to get rid of it in an easier softer way. I prayed for them, and that really helped. For a little while. See, I didn't do a fourth step. I didn't really call my sponsor about it. Lo and behold, it came back. I have recently had disturbing dreams and my mind keeps obsessing over the justification of holding on to such resentments. My blood pressure raises when the person in question walks in the room or is mentioned. I thought I could just fake it and act like I had let it go, but in truth I am waiting for an apology. One that will never come. This disease never ceases to amaze me. I am baffled about how 2 small resentments have managed to bring about my symptoms of insanity. Dragging my feet, I have mentioned the situations to my sponsor and we are slowly working through the steps again. But for the first time in my recovery, I feel like I am dancing around a fourth step. I keep trying to jump steps and I am convinced that I don't really have much of a part in my resentments. (HA). Expectations. As someone's sponsor said , " Expectations are premeditated resentments."  Aren't there ANY exceptions? We are constantly reinforced for having expectations for certain events and even certain people. We are taught by society that we should expect more. MORE, MORE, MORE. We are told that there are certain days that we are "special." Days like weddings, bah mitzvahs , bat mitzvahs, birthdays etc...This has caused nothing but trouble for me, and the only people who seem to agree with me is my brothers and sisters in Al Anon.  I had expected people to be polite and flattering to me because this day was about "me." I had expected people to hold up their end of a commitment. I had expected that just for one day I could let my ego run amuck. Nope. I have to accept that there will never be a day in my spiritual life where it is okay to let my ego take over. Turns out there is no such thing as "Ego-Day." No one owes me anything. Not even on my wedding day.  Now that I can see my insanity, I am willing to give it to God. And with His help I am willing to face my ego in my fourth step.

Training Wheels

Every once in awhile I am reminded that I still have my training wheels on. Before recovery I thought everyone was entitled to my opinion. I also thought I was extremely funny with my cutting sarcasm and cynical attitude. After step 4 I realized these once thought attributes were shed in a new light. They were driving the people I loved away and keeping me from being able to form intimate relationships. Over the next few years I turned these defects of character over to God again and again. For the most part it has subsided but God hasn't taken off my training wheels yet. The other day I read a blog by a friend that mentioned a story. It was a story that I am pretty sure I had a part in. In this story the said person ( I believe to be me) said something in jest that when read turns out to be very insensitive. I realized that sometimes I get over confident about my recovery and things fly out of my mouth that should have been preceded by the slogan,"Think, Think,Think" or "is it kind, necessary, and true." In my mind I can hear the scraping of training wheels on concrete. After I was stripped of my ego in step 4 I felt naked going out into the world, especially in social situations. I felt and still feel on occasion the awkwardness that I felt as a child. Not knowing what to say or how to comfort someone, I often relied on jokes, sarcasm, and criticism. These situations are becoming easier but there are times that I fall back on old survival mechanisms. I am grateful to have come across her blog as a reminder that I am not cured and a daily reprieve would benefit me in this situations. It reminds me that today I can live my life as progress not perfection.