AH-HA

Wow! What an amazing day! This morning I decided to get up and do a little house cleaning. I had no idea God was going to do some cleaning of his own. I chose to listen to some recovery mp3's instead of my usual jams. I have been listening to the Joe and Charlie tapes for about a week now. Today, appropriately, they were on step 4. My favorite step. This is where the veil is lifted and I can finally feel the sunlight of the spirit shining through. As I wrote in an earlier blog I had been struggling with one resentment for almost 2 years now. Have I told a sponsor? NO. Have I talked to someone in the program? NO. I thought that I had it figured out. I thought I was so experienced that I didn't need to talk to anyone. But my ego had lied. ( Go figure). It told me that I figured out my part in the resentment. It was my expectations. If I had only released my expectations then this pain would not have happened. I believed that, but I didn't feel it. For some reason that didn't lift the burden from my heart the way realizing my part had in the past. There was a point in the recording where Joe or Charlie ( I forget) says you MUST have had a part in this resentment. You MUST have had a part in why this person acted the way they did. At least that is how I interpreted it! And this voice in my head whispered, what did I do to make my relationship with this person such that they would respond to me the way they did. AH HA! I knew instantly what my part in it was. God had tried to tell me earlier but I wasn't ready to listen. From the beginning of my relationship with this person I had built walls of sarcasm, criticism, and cynicism. This person had no other way of relating to me other than what I had taught them. A little joke about me at my wedding must have seemed apropos considering the chiding and bullying I had shaped our relationship with. I did this to myself. For the rest of the day I was able to see my part in so many things. The Sunlight of the Spirit was able to shine through when I finally burst my resentment cloud.