Life on Life's terms.

Well, leave it to God to present me with a situation to bring me closer to my sponsor. I got a call this morning that someone in my family has cancer, again. This issue is very close to my heart. It's not that I am terribly close to this person, although I do love them very much, but I was surprised at how many issues it brought up about my childhood and my father. My father died of cancer 6 years ago. He was not my qualifier for the program, but he sure prepared and shaped me into the perfect Al-Anon. If he hadn't been for the way my Dad treated me and my family, I am pretty sure the alcoholic that I married would have had no interest in me! Let me make clear, this post is not about Dad bashing or whining about the way I grew up and how unfair life is but rather it is a post about awareness. Awareness of emotions and how deeply rooted they are.

When I received this phone call my first feeling was... Guilt. Yes. Guilt. Guilt for not being a good enough relative to this person. I never call or write. I haven't visited in over 5 years. The first time they had cancer I believe I bought a card for them once but I don't believe I ever sent it. GUILT, SHAME ,GUILT , SHAME...

So where does all of this guilt and shame come from? Why do I always feel like no matter what I do it isn't enough. It dawned on me, my Dad.

When my Dad was dying I did visit with him every week, but I refused to believe he was dying. At any sign of the subject I quickly assured him that he was going to make it and then refused to talk about it. How scary it must have been for him. I feel like I missed an opportunity , probably the only one I ever got , to connect to him.
GUILT, SHAME, GUILT, SHAME.

But wait! It goes back further. Why do I always feel like I am letting people down and hurting them although it would be unintentional?

Now I am 8 and my Dad is lecturing me on how I am not a good friend to my friends because of one reason or another. Now I am 12 and I am told that I have no compassion and I think I am holier than thou. Now I am 16 and I am told that I am not worthy enough to be his daughter. 18 I didn't do enough for my grandfather before he died, I am heartless a bitch just like my mother.

Hmmm. Where are all these emotions coming from? To reiterate, I do not blame my father for his skewed perceptions and less than perfect parenting. I know now that he was sick. Mentally ill. Bipolar. He had about as much control over his thoughts and feelings as the alcoholic had over his drinking. None.

But it did leave me with these scars. And now I can't stop crying. The voice in my head says I should be ashamed of myself for not calling, writing. I am not a loving person. I am a fake. I have no heart.

There is fear mixed in as well. Will I be so immobilized by Guilt and Shame that I miss my chance to reconnect to my relative therefore leading to a self fulfilling prophecy that I really am selfish and heartless? This would lead me to more Guilt and Shame which leads to more immobilization and so on an so forth.

So call her. This is the rational side of my brain speaking. But for some reason there is a blockage between my brain and my fingers. There is a lump in my throat at just the thought of it. Fear.

I am afraid to be kind, caring, and compassionate. At least to those closest to me. It's easy with newcomers, but relatives?

Perhaps, I feel by calling I am accepting that this is going on. I would no longer be able to push it to the back of my mind. ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE! Life on life's terms. As my first sponsor would say , Fear = Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover.

At this point I will recover. I just don't know when.