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Listen and Learn

Although it is not Conference Approved Literature, I find much comfort of the words in the AA big book page 133. It speaks to us that God does not want us to be sad, rather he wants us to be "happy, joyous, free." It reads that misery is of our own doing and that we can use our unfortunate circumstances as an opportunity to show God's presence in our lives. I woke up with these words ringing in my ears this morning. No doubt it is the comforting words of my higher power in response to my pity party last night. I had my feelings hurt by someone I love and for once I didn't voice it. There was a thought in the back of my head that said,"keep your mouth shut." I envisioned a hand over my mouth and I went and took a long bath. During the bath my ego began to speak. It was explaining to me about how healthy it was to voice my needs and desires. It was telling me that when I got out of the bath I needed to go to the person and explain how they hurt my feelings and what they could do to fix it next time. Alas, there was still a voice in the back of my head, albeit a quiet one, that said, "shhhhh." I decided to listen to the quiet voice and went to bed. While I was sleeping I remembered the Just For Today bookmark that talks about how when you have your feelings hurt it is a good idea not to voice it. Then I woke up and decided to be happy joyous and free. Even if I had to fake it. In hindsight I am grateful that I didn't follow my ego's suggestion. Doing so was not of just motives. I wanted to get my way, make someone feel bad for hurting my feelings and make myself into a victim. Of which I am not. I am learning how to parent myself and to forget everything I learned in all of those self help books that I read before the program. They did nothing but perpetuate the cycle of being a self righteous victim. Today I have a higher power that speaks to me in a loving, gentle and quiet voice. Today I will listen and learn.

Grieving Who We Used To Be

Last nights Al-Anon meeting was about grieving the loss of our childhood. For those of us who grew up in dysfunction we might not have ever realized that it is okay to grieve this loss. Or some of us may not have realized we even lost anything. That was just the way it was. By the time I had married my qualifier I had all ready made peace with my family regarding my childhood. I thought that was a sure sign that I had a good head on my shoulders. Once I began the downward spiral into the disease of alcoholism I began to lose myself. There was one day in particular that I looked in the mirror and literally didn't recognize myself. When I started out in the Al-Anon program I spent a great part of it wishing to be like I was, before the alcoholic. I thought I had it figured out and that this marriage was just a misstep. If I could just get to where I was then I would never fall for this disease again!! But the further I went on my 12 step journey the more I learned that I was going to have to grieve my loss of "who I was." I was never going to be the same. Any kind of catastrophic event will make a psychic change in you and trying to erase that seemed futile to me. The only way out was up. So I had to leave behind this perception of who I was and embark on a journey that would slowly but surely show me the person that I had always wanted to be.

I think I burned the kettle.

I went to a meeting last week that has stuck with me. Maybe it's something that I should share with my sponsor. Maybe that's part of the problem. As I mentioned before there have been some resentments that I have been pussyfooting around. I thought that I was just putting it on the back burner, letting it simmer until it's just right. But it turns out I was just trying to control my growth in this program. When God has presented me with opportunities to make amends, I ran. I hid behind the fact that I technically hadn't done another fourth step yet so therefore I would not be qualified to make an amends. God has only asked me to own what is mine. I don't have to start all over to know I was wrong and I don't need to know to what extent in order to make amends. I just can't figure out what I am so afraid of? My first sponsor said that fear was either afraid of losing what you have or not getting what you want. I wish I could ask her if there was also a 'C' option- Afraid of getting what you want. If I worked up the courage to ask this then we wouldn't need to have this conversation. The meeting itself was on steps 8 and 9. It is amazing how when you become willing in step 8 to make amends then God does the rest of the work by putting people in your life. I just have to remember to allow God to take over the cooking. His timing is always right.

I got a splinter at my wedding.

How long can this splinter stay in my side? Ignoring it, hoping it will work itself out. But nevertheless it always comes back up and it never works itself out. About a year ago, maybe more, I developed some resentments over an event. I tried to get rid of it in an easier softer way. I prayed for them, and that really helped. For a little while. See, I didn't do a fourth step. I didn't really call my sponsor about it. Lo and behold, it came back. I have recently had disturbing dreams and my mind keeps obsessing over the justification of holding on to such resentments. My blood pressure raises when the person in question walks in the room or is mentioned. I thought I could just fake it and act like I had let it go, but in truth I am waiting for an apology. One that will never come. This disease never ceases to amaze me. I am baffled about how 2 small resentments have managed to bring about my symptoms of insanity. Dragging my feet, I have mentioned the situations to my sponsor and we are slowly working through the steps again. But for the first time in my recovery, I feel like I am dancing around a fourth step. I keep trying to jump steps and I am convinced that I don't really have much of a part in my resentments. (HA). Expectations. As someone's sponsor said , " Expectations are premeditated resentments."  Aren't there ANY exceptions? We are constantly reinforced for having expectations for certain events and even certain people. We are taught by society that we should expect more. MORE, MORE, MORE. We are told that there are certain days that we are "special." Days like weddings, bah mitzvahs , bat mitzvahs, birthdays etc...This has caused nothing but trouble for me, and the only people who seem to agree with me is my brothers and sisters in Al Anon.  I had expected people to be polite and flattering to me because this day was about "me." I had expected people to hold up their end of a commitment. I had expected that just for one day I could let my ego run amuck. Nope. I have to accept that there will never be a day in my spiritual life where it is okay to let my ego take over. Turns out there is no such thing as "Ego-Day." No one owes me anything. Not even on my wedding day.  Now that I can see my insanity, I am willing to give it to God. And with His help I am willing to face my ego in my fourth step.

Training Wheels

Every once in awhile I am reminded that I still have my training wheels on. Before recovery I thought everyone was entitled to my opinion. I also thought I was extremely funny with my cutting sarcasm and cynical attitude. After step 4 I realized these once thought attributes were shed in a new light. They were driving the people I loved away and keeping me from being able to form intimate relationships. Over the next few years I turned these defects of character over to God again and again. For the most part it has subsided but God hasn't taken off my training wheels yet. The other day I read a blog by a friend that mentioned a story. It was a story that I am pretty sure I had a part in. In this story the said person ( I believe to be me) said something in jest that when read turns out to be very insensitive. I realized that sometimes I get over confident about my recovery and things fly out of my mouth that should have been preceded by the slogan,"Think, Think,Think" or "is it kind, necessary, and true." In my mind I can hear the scraping of training wheels on concrete. After I was stripped of my ego in step 4 I felt naked going out into the world, especially in social situations. I felt and still feel on occasion the awkwardness that I felt as a child. Not knowing what to say or how to comfort someone, I often relied on jokes, sarcasm, and criticism. These situations are becoming easier but there are times that I fall back on old survival mechanisms. I am grateful to have come across her blog as a reminder that I am not cured and a daily reprieve would benefit me in this situations. It reminds me that today I can live my life as progress not perfection.