High Wire

I woke up today with a knot in my stomach. I had an overwhelming since of dread. I hadn't felt this bad since my husband left for Iraq a few years ago ( he is back and safe.) I can't even begin to tell you how often I have had these balls of nerves creep up on me. I lived with them day in and day out when I was married to an alcoholic. Growing up in my house was also very high anxiety. So I trudged through my morning trying not to vomit. I had a chance between classes to read a little in my One Day At A Time book. It was about the slogan Let Go and Let God. I remember the first time I really put this slogan to use. I was in the middle of a divorce and living in someone's garage. Every moment that would happen next was a mystery. I had quite the bundle of nerves then but somehow I managed through it and even with some grace and dignity. I should stop here and say, I did not actually manage through it. I turned it over to God and then held on for dear life. Reflecting on those times helped me to gather my courage today and confront my anxiety. I repeated the slogan, Let Go and Let God and then like a high wire act I just put one foot in front of the other. Everything turned out to be fine and the reason for my anxiety disintegrated before my eyes. This program never fails me. Not once.

AH-HA

Wow! What an amazing day! This morning I decided to get up and do a little house cleaning. I had no idea God was going to do some cleaning of his own. I chose to listen to some recovery mp3's instead of my usual jams. I have been listening to the Joe and Charlie tapes for about a week now. Today, appropriately, they were on step 4. My favorite step. This is where the veil is lifted and I can finally feel the sunlight of the spirit shining through. As I wrote in an earlier blog I had been struggling with one resentment for almost 2 years now. Have I told a sponsor? NO. Have I talked to someone in the program? NO. I thought that I had it figured out. I thought I was so experienced that I didn't need to talk to anyone. But my ego had lied. ( Go figure). It told me that I figured out my part in the resentment. It was my expectations. If I had only released my expectations then this pain would not have happened. I believed that, but I didn't feel it. For some reason that didn't lift the burden from my heart the way realizing my part had in the past. There was a point in the recording where Joe or Charlie ( I forget) says you MUST have had a part in this resentment. You MUST have had a part in why this person acted the way they did. At least that is how I interpreted it! And this voice in my head whispered, what did I do to make my relationship with this person such that they would respond to me the way they did. AH HA! I knew instantly what my part in it was. God had tried to tell me earlier but I wasn't ready to listen. From the beginning of my relationship with this person I had built walls of sarcasm, criticism, and cynicism. This person had no other way of relating to me other than what I had taught them. A little joke about me at my wedding must have seemed apropos considering the chiding and bullying I had shaped our relationship with. I did this to myself. For the rest of the day I was able to see my part in so many things. The Sunlight of the Spirit was able to shine through when I finally burst my resentment cloud.

Life on Life's terms.

Well, leave it to God to present me with a situation to bring me closer to my sponsor. I got a call this morning that someone in my family has cancer, again. This issue is very close to my heart. It's not that I am terribly close to this person, although I do love them very much, but I was surprised at how many issues it brought up about my childhood and my father. My father died of cancer 6 years ago. He was not my qualifier for the program, but he sure prepared and shaped me into the perfect Al-Anon. If he hadn't been for the way my Dad treated me and my family, I am pretty sure the alcoholic that I married would have had no interest in me! Let me make clear, this post is not about Dad bashing or whining about the way I grew up and how unfair life is but rather it is a post about awareness. Awareness of emotions and how deeply rooted they are.

When I received this phone call my first feeling was... Guilt. Yes. Guilt. Guilt for not being a good enough relative to this person. I never call or write. I haven't visited in over 5 years. The first time they had cancer I believe I bought a card for them once but I don't believe I ever sent it. GUILT, SHAME ,GUILT , SHAME...

So where does all of this guilt and shame come from? Why do I always feel like no matter what I do it isn't enough. It dawned on me, my Dad.

When my Dad was dying I did visit with him every week, but I refused to believe he was dying. At any sign of the subject I quickly assured him that he was going to make it and then refused to talk about it. How scary it must have been for him. I feel like I missed an opportunity , probably the only one I ever got , to connect to him.
GUILT, SHAME, GUILT, SHAME.

But wait! It goes back further. Why do I always feel like I am letting people down and hurting them although it would be unintentional?

Now I am 8 and my Dad is lecturing me on how I am not a good friend to my friends because of one reason or another. Now I am 12 and I am told that I have no compassion and I think I am holier than thou. Now I am 16 and I am told that I am not worthy enough to be his daughter. 18 I didn't do enough for my grandfather before he died, I am heartless a bitch just like my mother.

Hmmm. Where are all these emotions coming from? To reiterate, I do not blame my father for his skewed perceptions and less than perfect parenting. I know now that he was sick. Mentally ill. Bipolar. He had about as much control over his thoughts and feelings as the alcoholic had over his drinking. None.

But it did leave me with these scars. And now I can't stop crying. The voice in my head says I should be ashamed of myself for not calling, writing. I am not a loving person. I am a fake. I have no heart.

There is fear mixed in as well. Will I be so immobilized by Guilt and Shame that I miss my chance to reconnect to my relative therefore leading to a self fulfilling prophecy that I really am selfish and heartless? This would lead me to more Guilt and Shame which leads to more immobilization and so on an so forth.

So call her. This is the rational side of my brain speaking. But for some reason there is a blockage between my brain and my fingers. There is a lump in my throat at just the thought of it. Fear.

I am afraid to be kind, caring, and compassionate. At least to those closest to me. It's easy with newcomers, but relatives?

Perhaps, I feel by calling I am accepting that this is going on. I would no longer be able to push it to the back of my mind. ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE! Life on life's terms. As my first sponsor would say , Fear = Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover.

At this point I will recover. I just don't know when.

Sponsorship and fear

So this month's article in The Forum ( Al-Anon's monthly magazine) was on sponsorship. It spoke about how the writer felt that they had been superficial with all of their other sponsors until the current one. I identified with this but with a twist. I felt close to all of my other sponsors except the one I have now. I have just begun a new sponsor relationship and so far it has taken a lot out of me to just call and check in. I don't know if I just need more structure ( like being forced to call everyday for thirty days, like I did the first time) or if I need more self discipline ( duh) or if I need more motivation. Like some real drama or crisis to kick me into recovery mode! The old me would have had no trouble getting that started! Why is it that we become closer to some people and not others. Does crisis and despair bond people together? No wonder I created so much drama in my life. It was the only way I could feel close to someone. I am sure I just haven't given this new relationship enough time to blossom but what is it about me that makes it so hard to open up unless I absolutely can't keep it in anymore? Does everyone do that? Spiritually I am sick. I miss having someone to confide in other than my Hubby. I miss having someone to seek spiritual advise. But then again maybe it boils down to fear. On some level, I fear getting close to another person. Ok. On a lot of levels. I suppose I am afraid she will judge me. GRRR! I wish I had a sponsor to talk to this about!- oh wait... I do.

Losing everything, Gaining More.

Today we put up new wooden blinds in our fairly new house. It is finally starting to feel like a home. Like a big ol grown up home. I stood in the middle of the den and smiled. I thought about how blessed I was to have be given such a wonderful home with such a wonderful family. Before recovery I would have stood in the middle of the den and thought about I hard I had worked to achieve all of this and how because of my hard work I was entitled to some luxuries. But thankfully for the Grace of my Higher Power I can be thankful and detached... Yes. detached. When I began my journey in recovery I had to lose everything.. and I mean EVERYTHING. My husband, my furniture, my apartment in Point Loma, my car, my pets, and most importantly.. my pride. I ended up living in my friends garage. She was so kind to me. She had an extra bed and she let me use her laundry room and shower. I didn't have any money so I tried to help by doing the dishes. I don't think I can ever repay her. She gave me the foundation of my program and it was with her that I learned that everything I hold dear can be gone in a matter of an instant. So today when I look at all that has been given to me I can look at as just that . A Gift. A gift that is for this moment only and can be temporary. I know now that even if I lose everything, I will always be ok because my higher power has provided for me at every turn. If I have clothes to wear, food to eat, shelter and shower then none of this other crap really matters. They are just icing on the cake. But I must say... I DO love icing!

A legend in my own mind, lonely in my heart

When I was younger, I always thought that before I died I wanted stories to tell. Tales of excitement and spontaneity. When I came of age I dove into this idea with reckless abandon. I was attracted to people whose stories grew as they told them. Stories filled with drama, lust,and a dash of irrational behavior, sometimes more. Stories that ended in laughter and/or tears. I was drawn to these people like they were the blinking lights on the Las Vegas boulevard. I wanted to live their lives and soon I was. I always thought that it was important to have a story to tell but looking back the only thing I truly remember feeling was alone despite the people I surrounded myself with. Lord, I ask that you pull me back when I put on my rose colored glasses and look back. When I reinvent what happened and imagine myself as a legend. Help me to not glorify the past but let me see the consequences. Keep me in the here and now, where there is no drama but only the peace that is your love. Your legend is the only one I need today.

Gloom or Bloom

Today is a cold gloomy day in Texas. The type of day that I take pleasure in occasionally. The light sound of rain and the soft light peeking through the clouds provides me with a certain kind of solace. In my days before Al-Anon I would pray for days like these. Not because they were relaxing but because it allowed me to be gloomy. I thrived off gloomy. I have been on and off medication for clinical depression since I was 15. When I was on medication it was usually to recover from the periods of "off" of which I had refused to take my medication. I thought about starting a whole other blog today just about my struggle with depression but it dawned on me that that would offer me nothing but a chance to dwell on the things that made me unhappy. Although, blogging about depression on a regular basis does help some, for me it wouldn't help at all. I had identified myself as depressed. That was a personality trait that I possessed. In Al Anon, through some good sponsorship and step 4, I realized that I was not a depressed person but rather I had a disease called depression. Today I can say that most days are pretty good. I have periods of the year that seem to be more melancholy than others but today I don't have to drown in my emotions. I have a life raft that my higher power has provided for me, it's called the 12 steps. I used to be an emotional binger and days like today would have provided a perfect opportunity for me to turn on some sad music and dwell on all the things I should have done differently. Today I thank God for the rose colored glasses that have allowed me to enjoy today for it's peacefulness rather than it's gloom.